back and forth

Looking back on my blogs, I'm so moody. Maybe I need some therapy or something...o_O. We all have our own ups and downs...right?

Anyways, I can't believe school is starting just a few weeks. Wow, and with school, time flies by so fast...next thing you know, it'll be 2010...which is really scary I tell you. I'm already getting freaked by the fact that it's going to be winter time soon. Ahhh, we're all growing up! I'm growing up! Oh my, I'm kind of, really, extremely scared but at the same time, I'm excited to see where life [or God] is going to lead me to next.

This summer has flown by so quickly. I guess for pretty much the whole middle of summer, I've been busy with church but it was good. First, missions to Dominican Republic with the youth group, then helping out at church for VBS, and then finishing it up with a whole month of teaching at my church's summer day camp. This summer was definitely one that was well spent. Working with kids is something I truly enjoy and I got to do that all summer. How exciting! :]

School is something that I'm not necessarily looking forward to but I"m glad that it's finally coming. I don't know, maybe this year, I'll get back on track. I don't know what it was previous years, my enjoyment in studying just kind of...dropped. Hopefully this year, with lots of prayer and dedication, studying will be something I'll enjoy more and more. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed studying but I guess previous years, something was just...lacking? Bleh, I don't know.

I'm nervous and excited about this new school year as I've stated before. Maybe God has something special planned out for me...I'm getting the heeby-jeebies haha. Actually, that probably is no indication whatsoever about what God has planned out for me or whether or not He even has anything planned out for me. I'm just probably being a nervous wreck. Heh. Anyways, until next time then [which will hopefully be very soon]!

in need of more prayer

Honestly, I feel like a lot of what I've been doing these days all just adds up to nothing. I feel like I've been pushing myself away from God even more and more and it's hard not having anyone to talk about that with.

I need someone that will be able to keep me accountable for my spiritual walk and well...just about everything else and vice versa. I really need to pray more.

long time no blog

So...I haven't blogged in such a long time. I should really come back to it. I feel like these days, it would be my only source of venting, without feeling guilty.

There's been a lot going on. I mean, for one, school's been out now for about a month or so and so I've just been bumming around the house. I feel really lazy just staying at home so I've been going to the gym everyday, just to keep my body active at least. I feel bad though since I don't have a job, which I think I have some what of a legitimate excuse for. I'm also going on missions, well hopefully, if everything works out and it's also the reason why I'm not looking for a job. I'm also going to be helping out at CityPeace's summer day camp for the whole month of July, which means that I won't be able to work until after August. I'll have all of August and the rest of this year plus next year to work so won't be too bad, right?

Spiritually, it's been such a struggle. I mean, right now I'm living such a mundane life. I wake up late, I go to the gym, I come back home and just do nothing for the rest of the day until I go to sleep. I try to fill it up with things everyday but I still have a chunk of time left over. This would probably be a good time for me to be meditating on the Word or praying but I just have no motivation. It's just really upsetting. On top of that, I don't really have anyone to talk this out with. I feel like right now, all of my other friends are just whatever about their faith [there are that few that do actually care but they're guys and I'm kind of skeptical with sharing my feelings with them for reasons I won't really get into now]. I don't really have an accountability partner to help encourage me and it's honestly tough. I'm just lacking so much right now and reading the Word and praying [I won't say I loved it everyday, there were times where I got lazy] used to come so easily but now it's just plain hard. To top it off this whole mission's issue with the money and me going needs prayer but I'm not praying about it at all.

I think I'm just going to leave it here for tonight. I could certainly keep on going but it's just too much to write/type up and my neck is cramping up. It's not that I'm denying God or anything of that sort...I'm just...in need of some encouragement. God, will you provide that someone for me?

regrets

I know it's not really a good thing to mull over past deeds but this one keeps on hitting me in the head like a 10 ton brick. I honestly feel so alone coming back home from transferring out of my Philly school. I miss it. A lot. I miss all the friends and relationships I've built when I was there. Even though some of them may not have been deep, I still had a family there. Not to say I don't have one here back at home with my actual family and friends here, but I feel like the friendships I had there were special, one-of-a-kind friendships. I'm really regretting coming out of USP. It really sucks that I don't get to join them and do the activities that they do. I feel so out of the loop now and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I mean, they all say I'm still family and nothing's changed but it feels so different to me regardless. Maybe I'm just being a little baby and whiny about it but I don't know, it just sucks ass. I mean all my friends here are great too but they all have their own agendas, and it's not like I see them everyday like I did with everyone back at USP when I lived on campus. And I feel like these days, my friendships with the people here at home have become so...superficial. All we do is ask each other how we're doign and that's it. And what's the point of bringing it up with those here? No one's going to understand.

I'll admit, part of it is because I'm jealous. Jealous to see that all my friends back at USP are now growing and spending time with one another, tightening the friendships that they've made freshman year. Whenever I see pictures posted up on my friends' facebooks of get togethers or fellowship, I get upset because I have nothing like that here. And it's not just about USP. Other friends that I have that are away on their own school campuses are probably having the time of their life, spending it with friends that they've grown close to. I feel like such a big baby for saying shit like this because I just sound so needy.

I think what makes it worse is that I'm just falling behind...in everything. I mean, my relationship with God right now is shaky and school wise, it's just getting worse and worse for me. And I know this is not that great either, comparing myself to others, but how can I not? I'm trying to stay positive and I'm trying to push myself to think that everyone's situation is different and so I really can't compare anything between myself and others but it's a struggle and it's frustrating. I'm behind in school and I don't even know what the hell I want to do or should do with my life...I'm just so lost and I feel like everyone pretty much knows the direction they want to take and even for the ones that don't know, they still have some sort of plan but for me, I just don't know overall.

I think if there was one thing I could go back and change, it'd be that. That I would have stayed at USP and not come out. Those people that I talked to were right and I should have listened. I bent my own agenda for something else that wasn't going last and now I'm sitting here regretting it so much. I had such a great loving family of brothers and sisters there that cared for me so much and I feel like in some ways, I've let them down by leaving. I feel bad for leaving the friends that I've made there. God provided me with something so special and I turned down His offer for something that was so worthless.

passion week

Amidst all my failures and my lackings, You still love me and renew me in Your grace and mercy. Through little things you remind me how precious I am in Your sight and how willing You are to take me back into Your arms again even if I've failed You. During this week, will You humble me and make me whole again? I am in need of Your perfect love and Your discipline. It's amazing how You cease to amaze me with Your kindness and gentleness. You came here for someone so unlovable like me and through Your death, You've restored me. Please change my heart to be willing to trust and follow You through all my days. Your sure and secure promises are all I need to strive to live this life to its fullest for You. Will You open my eyes to all that You have in store for me and help me to face and walk through the challenges and obstacles that stand before me with Your strength and wisdom? I cannot thank You enough for all that You've done for me. You are good and forever should Your name be glorified. In Your precious Son's name I pray, Amen.