regrets

I know it's not really a good thing to mull over past deeds but this one keeps on hitting me in the head like a 10 ton brick. I honestly feel so alone coming back home from transferring out of my Philly school. I miss it. A lot. I miss all the friends and relationships I've built when I was there. Even though some of them may not have been deep, I still had a family there. Not to say I don't have one here back at home with my actual family and friends here, but I feel like the friendships I had there were special, one-of-a-kind friendships. I'm really regretting coming out of USP. It really sucks that I don't get to join them and do the activities that they do. I feel so out of the loop now and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I mean, they all say I'm still family and nothing's changed but it feels so different to me regardless. Maybe I'm just being a little baby and whiny about it but I don't know, it just sucks ass. I mean all my friends here are great too but they all have their own agendas, and it's not like I see them everyday like I did with everyone back at USP when I lived on campus. And I feel like these days, my friendships with the people here at home have become so...superficial. All we do is ask each other how we're doign and that's it. And what's the point of bringing it up with those here? No one's going to understand.

I'll admit, part of it is because I'm jealous. Jealous to see that all my friends back at USP are now growing and spending time with one another, tightening the friendships that they've made freshman year. Whenever I see pictures posted up on my friends' facebooks of get togethers or fellowship, I get upset because I have nothing like that here. And it's not just about USP. Other friends that I have that are away on their own school campuses are probably having the time of their life, spending it with friends that they've grown close to. I feel like such a big baby for saying shit like this because I just sound so needy.

I think what makes it worse is that I'm just falling behind...in everything. I mean, my relationship with God right now is shaky and school wise, it's just getting worse and worse for me. And I know this is not that great either, comparing myself to others, but how can I not? I'm trying to stay positive and I'm trying to push myself to think that everyone's situation is different and so I really can't compare anything between myself and others but it's a struggle and it's frustrating. I'm behind in school and I don't even know what the hell I want to do or should do with my life...I'm just so lost and I feel like everyone pretty much knows the direction they want to take and even for the ones that don't know, they still have some sort of plan but for me, I just don't know overall.

I think if there was one thing I could go back and change, it'd be that. That I would have stayed at USP and not come out. Those people that I talked to were right and I should have listened. I bent my own agenda for something else that wasn't going last and now I'm sitting here regretting it so much. I had such a great loving family of brothers and sisters there that cared for me so much and I feel like in some ways, I've let them down by leaving. I feel bad for leaving the friends that I've made there. God provided me with something so special and I turned down His offer for something that was so worthless.

passion week

Amidst all my failures and my lackings, You still love me and renew me in Your grace and mercy. Through little things you remind me how precious I am in Your sight and how willing You are to take me back into Your arms again even if I've failed You. During this week, will You humble me and make me whole again? I am in need of Your perfect love and Your discipline. It's amazing how You cease to amaze me with Your kindness and gentleness. You came here for someone so unlovable like me and through Your death, You've restored me. Please change my heart to be willing to trust and follow You through all my days. Your sure and secure promises are all I need to strive to live this life to its fullest for You. Will You open my eyes to all that You have in store for me and help me to face and walk through the challenges and obstacles that stand before me with Your strength and wisdom? I cannot thank You enough for all that You've done for me. You are good and forever should Your name be glorified. In Your precious Son's name I pray, Amen.