i remember...

I meant to blog about this a little while back but I never got the chance too because these past few weeks have been a little crazy for me. So I had this weird but very vivid dream that my family, my friends from school, and I were at a friend's place in New Jersey. We were there for some family/friends holiday get together and after the festivities, as we were leaving, I suddenly had to run to the bathroom [very random, I know]. Well, when I got to the bathroom, I looked outside the window and suddenly saw this very pretty and very long [and when I say long, it seriously seemed like it stretched forever] skyline. I don't know of what city it was, it looked like New York City but the size of it seemed to big to be New York City. The image was just filled with buildings, big ones, small ones, fat & short ones...almost seemed like it was squished. I don't even know what the purpose of me telling this dream of mine was...I also remember so vibrantly the skyline and the sunset...the sun was setting...and there were lots of pretty oranges and purples and reds. Oh, and it was light mistyish-foggy. J'en sais pas, c'était tout très beau.



This is NYC. Sunset-wise it was like this but buildings and mistiness-wise, it was like this...



Actually, it was all more like this...it's just...this one [São Paulo, Brasil] doesn't have the sunset. I love cities. <3

On a side note, I've realized that these feelings for this "boy" is not going to go away...at least, not anytime soon. I was going to try and push it away because there's no hope for me right now continually "liking" him but then the harder I tried to push it away, the more and more I found myself taking interest. So, point is...it didn't work. Now I gotta do what I hate doing most: waiting...and hoping that something will happen...soon. Heh.

oh. em. gee.

45% off!!! I want these for Christmas. That is...if they still have my size by that time anddd also if someone is graciously willing to spend around 100 bucks for me. :T

i want to learn how to play this

Jack Johnson - Better Together
Album: In Between Dreams [2005]

gift ideas?

Trying to think of some ideas for what to give for Christmas. Maybe I'll save some money and just put something together myself. Hmm.

*Gonna post more up later.

2 weeks

Just TWO WEEKS till I'm out for break! I am very excited. Very much looking forward to the break...as well as the food! Man, I really gotta hit up the gym during my break because I know for a fact I'll be puttin' on them pounds from all the yummy and delicious food. Ya-ba-da-ba-doo! :]

As for this week...oh man, I'm just glad tomorrow's Friday. Anddd...I just realized I got a lot of work catching up to do. Gah, gonna be busy, busy, busy from now till the end of the semester!

Oh and my friend told me it snowed in Dallas...it didn't even snow up in Philly yet. What the heck is going on with the weather?! Today, in the morning, it was 60 degrees...SIXTY! IN DECEMBER! That makes no sense. I told my friend that our weathers got swapped. I want snowww.



Funny, lol.

Btw: just wanted to share a song that I've been listening to for the past few days. It's very upbeat...kind of just makes you want to get up and dance. Sambaaa!~

did they even have babies?!

How the heck do these models do it? They're poppin' out babies left and right and yet they look like they had...none.

Heidi Klum: 3 kids



Alessandra Ambrosio: 1 kid



Um...can I have what they're having?
Btw: they both looked amazing at tonight's VS Fashion Show...AMAZING I tell you.

sleepless & stressful

Already stressed out from Day 1 of this week.


...I am not looking forward for this week to unravel.

he is Yours

He is willing to share!!! My goodness, something I've been praying about and looking for in a guy...he wants to share everything that's happened to him, the things he sees changing, I don't know...it seems like almost everything!!! And why, why, WHY, do I get so tongue-twisted when talking to him??? Nothing ever seems to come out the way I want to say it. NEVER. Even when it's something that I really want to share with him...every word seems to get jumbled up. I probably sound so stupid when I talk because I MAKE NO FREAKING SENSE. Even I think about what I said to him right after I say it and think of how stupid and very random and nonsensical that all sounded. WHAT THE HECK.

However...I know...that he is not mine and God, I know that you have great things planned for him and all I can do right now is pray for him and wait because right now, he is Yours...not mine. It's honestly driving me crazy...I feel though, as if he doesn't feel the same way about me like I do with him. It's probably just a one way thing...which in that case, makes me think that I should all just let this go and forget about it and save myself from future heartache.

God, this is consuming way too much of me. I'm giving it up to you because, well, there's nothing else I can do right now. I hope I'm not being to forward with myself with him.

He's so open and comfortable talking to me...how come I'm not the same to him?...

God is telling me to wait

I don't know why I feel the need to post this up but I will.

In one of my previous posts, I was rambling on about the guy from Texas and how I think I should say something to him about keeping this relationship pure, blah, blah, blah...if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go back and read it haha. It was called "things happen for a reason". Like I've said before, I've been praying about and waiting for an answer for this current situation/relationship I have with this guy [we're just friends right now] and it's weird because I feel like God answered my prayers through a book that I'm reading called "Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot. The book pretty much revolves around how to keep a pure dating relationship and it gives the ups and downs of trying to keep a healthy relationship through the eyes of Elizabeth Elliot [I'm just reading it for future reference]. In the book was a paragraph that stood out to me. This is what it said:

"Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all. I was dying to talk to Jim about Jim. But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them thoroughly over with God."

When it comes to reading God's "signs and answers", I feel like I'm kind of slow...but that one, was pretty obvious to me. It feels almost as if God said it himself. I don't know, I guess all I can do really now is just pray and wait on Him...fall "asleep" in His will as Elizabeth Elliot put it. *Sigh*



"Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet or still so as to hear."
- From S.D. Gordon's Quiet Talks On Prayer

new favorite chocolate: dolfin belgian chocolate

Last week, my friend and I went up to New Hope, Pa and Lambertville, NJ [those towns are right next to each other...the only thing separating them is a small bridge] and in Lambertville, there was a small coffee shop...I kind of forget the name of it right now. Anyways, this little coffee shop is amazing! Why? Because they carry European chocolate!!!!! I absolutely love chocolate, especially European chocolate and it was there that I came across a very expensive but very good Belgian chocolate called Dolfin. This chocolate I must say has a very unique, rich, creamy taste...yum, I wish I had bought two bars now instead of one. If you can ever get your hands one on of these tasty chocolates, definitely go for it! I give it 5 stars! :D

Here's a picture of the chocolate:


There's various "flavors" and tastes. The one I got was milk chocolate with almonds. So good! :]

happy turkey day!

I will probably be posting more up later but for now...I hope everyone enjoys the time they have with their families today!

1 Chronicles 29:13
"Now, our God, we give you thanks and praise to Your glorious name."

colbie caillat is my hero

Colbie Caillat - Fallin' for You
Album: Breakthrough [2009]

freedom is not free

Just wanted to share some interesting thoughts I got from a pastor's sermon.

Yesterday, a guest speaker came in to preach for my church and his sermon title was called, "Served by Christ". There was a story that he told about a man who was rescued [a few years back?] from slavery from an organization that works to free people that are involved in human trafficking. The ex-slave told his story to this pastor and they talked and talked and he eventually made a point which helped bring together the message of the sermon, which was that slavery kills a man. I thought this was an interesting point he made because it's so true. When bonded to slavery, physically it will wear and tear a man down to his bones because unless by some great miracle, he is bonded to being a slave all his life. Spiritually, it has the same affect. When a you idolize something or prize something so much more than God, you more or less become a slave to it, whether it be pride, money, lust, greed...you get the point. Your heart then becomes so spiritually dead because it's almost as if you've been consumed by it, giving part of your heart to it each time you become more and more "lost" in it. In this case, your heart is almost a hopeless cause because it's been so caught up in the idol...but then comes Jesus and this leads me to my next point: freedom is not free. Just look at the past and the history of the world. Those that were in slavery and wanted to become free had to pay a price. That price was the lives of many men, women, children that fought to gain their freedom. It doesn't have to be just freedom from slavery, it could be freedom from anything. In the same way, for those who are Christians, the freedom you have is definitely not free. It was paid and bought at a price: the death of Jesus Christ and that, my friends, is one of the great fundamentals of the Gospel. Christ shed his blood for us so that we may experience true freedom from the things that hold us down, from the things that keep us from having that wonderful relationship with God. He came and paid that the ransom that we should have paid. He came and paid the debt that we would have had to owe as slaves: living eternally in the fiery pits of Hell. He knew that this was what He had to do because He cared for us deeply, because he wanted us to be free from our sins. His grace is far greater than any of us could ever conceive. I hope I don't sound like some pompous dictator, telling everyone to do this, do that. That is not the point of my message. I just wanted to point out the truth of Christ and what He did for us because it's amazing how so many times we say that we believe and we understand the depth of Christ and His love for us, but...honestly, do we really? We say that we will go anywhere and everywhere that Christ leads but when He actually calls us to do so, so many of us turn away and say, "No God, this is not what was planned." When was it ever for us though? I'm not pointing fingers because I'm as guilty as charged as any one of you guys are...

I guess I just want to challenge those that are struggling with whatever problems that you may have in your lives and take the time to really understand what it means to be free. This life is definitely not going to be an easy one but God is with us, every step and He will be with us every step until we have reached our finish lines. Let's encourage each other and those around us to continue that walk with God, no matter what comes our way. Christ loves us dearly and has proven that on the Cross so let's turn it around and show the world that through the Gospel, others can have the choice to no longer live as slaves, brought down by the heavyweight of their burdens. Through the blood of Christ, they too can have a new chance and a new life.

the weekend is finally here...sort of

It's actually pretty late right now. I don't know why I'm still up when I should be sleeping. It's finally Friday and that means it's finally the weekend! Well, it's 12 in the morning but it's still Friday so I'm happy. :]

I wish I was fluent in another language besides Korean and English so I could just bust it out on this blog and type away. Maybe I'll type up a Christmas wish list while I'm up. I must be crazy. Hmm, I do seem to have been a little off these days, according to some of my friends. Maybe it's because I've been listening to a lot of Hillsong lately...or just christian music in general. Would that have anything to do with it though? Eh, I don't know.

Ok, I should really get to bed. Gotta wake up early for classes tomorrow. Just felt like blogging so I could just let some steam out. Alrighty, goodnight world!

we the redeemed

Hillsong - We the Redeemed
Album: Faith+Hope+Love



Verse 1:
There is nothing like Your love
No exchange for all You gave
To be welcomed into life
So I can know the love it takes

Verse 2:
Now forever to be loved
To walk with You for all my days
There’s no greater love than this
You are the Author and the Way

Pre-Chorus:
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King
Our hope is in You
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King

Chorus:
Singing, glorious, glorious One, You have saved us
Honor and power and praise to the Savior.
You are the Answer
You are the Answer

Verse 3:
You come with power come with fire
As we lift Your name on high
And join with all the saints to sing
In bringing Honor to the King.

Bridge:
We the redeemed
Hear us singing
You are Holy
You are Holy

God, amidst my struggles and my fears, You still are tried and true. Your love is far greater than anything on thing on this earth.

lost in wonder

A song that my bible study group sang during worship time.

Lost in Wonder

You chose the cross with every breath
The perfect life, the perfect death
You chose the cross
A crown of thorns You wore for us
And crowned us with eternal life
You chose the cross

And though Your soul was overwhelmed with pain
Obedient to death You overcame

I'm lost in wonder
I'm lost in love
I'm lost in praise forevermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven
I am restored

You loosed the cords of sinfulness
And broke the chains of my disgrace
You chose the cross
Up from the grave victorious
You rose again so glorious
You chose the cross

The sorrow that surrounded You was mine
"Yet, not My will but Yours be done," You cried

Because of Jesus, because of Jesus, because of Jesus
I am restored

I am a sinner in need of forgiveness and grace and Jesus gave that to me, fully paid on the cross. Yet, I still continue to let Him down everyday, in some way shape or form but He is still willing to take me back into His loving arms like a father embraces his children.

God, I need You more than ever in my life.

things happen for a reason

I was on the phone yesterday with a friend of mine who I met at a college conference a year ago. I think I've mentioned him before in my previous posts...maybe not outright but discreetly I know I have. It's surprising to think that even after a year, we've still kept in touch...which I find extremely strange since in all my previous experiences with trying to keep in touch with my retreat friends...I completely failed. Either way, there's been a lot about him that I've been thinking about lately. That probably sounds really weird and I'll do my best to try and explain.

I've brought it up with him numerous times that I found it strange that we still talked, considering the fact that we live absolutely no where near each other [he lives in Texas, I in Pennsylvania] and we act and talk as though we do. I guess before he never really thought of it as much, he just saw it as another opportunity to meet a new friend? Just yesterday though, he was sharing how he started beginning to realize just how strange our relationship was, in the sense that we talk as if we've been friends for a while now when we don't see each other at all. It got me thinking about something that my pastor mentioned a few weeks back, during one of our college bible studies. He was saying how God places certain people, certain events in your life for a reason, which I totally agree to. My question is, why has God placed this...dude...that I don't even see ever in my life and why have we still kept in touch???

The college conference, called One in Love [O.I.L. for short], is held once a year in my state in Montrose, PA. I had a very blessed time there last year and so decided that I would go again this year. My pastor, a month or so back had asked if I would be able to lead a certain role during on my church's joint retreats. I told him I'd pray about it first and let him know later on. On the one hand, I wanted to help out with retreat and be a part of it but on the other hand, I really wanted to go back to O.I.L. I guess that's when I started really evaluating why I wanted to go back to O.I.L. instead of going to help out at the retreat. Even though initially it wasn't my reason to go back, I felt as though having this relationship with my friend was sort of a drive for me to go back to O.I.L. so that I could see him again and that to me...was a big iffy. As much as I wanted to see him again, if I did go, I didn't want either of us to be a hinderance for each other during the conference. Ugh, even now, although I have decided to go, I'm still trying to be really cautious with what I say to him when I talk. God, I honestly don't know what to do with this whole...I don't even know what to call it.

Anyways, so yesterday while we were talking, I decided that maybe I should more clearly define our relationship? As in, just say that because this is a very strange relationship indeed, we need to be more cautious about how we act and what we say with each other. I didn't mention it to him yet but if the chance comes, I think will. I really, should be praying about this more.

This is all so new to me. I don't think I've ever cared so much about a guy's sprititual relationship than this and considering that I have many guy friends, I don't know, it just seems all so weird. I'm trying not to think about it so much and just give it up to God right now because I feel like, there are more important things to deal with at hand...although, this seems pretty important too...heh. I just really hope that if we do grow closer, that we'll both have this relationship Gospel centered and really push each other towards God. I really want him to grow more in Christ and I hope he'll wish the same for me and encourage me to do so [which I guess is something that we've been doing eversince we started talking but I mean MORE than...what...we've been doing? What am I even saying???]. I also really want this relationship to be pure and not misleading in any way. I don't us to hype it up to something that it isn't because it's only going to hurt us in the long run. I don't know. Prayer and scripture is what I need right now...as well as guidance from other people.


"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus"

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the Light of His glory and grace

an interesting thought

So yesterday night was my college group's weekly bible study get together at my pastor's house. We were going over the last chapter of The Prodigal God by Tim Keller [very interesting book!] and there was a quote from the book that I thought I'd like to share because it really stood out [??]. So for those that don't know, Tim Keller is a very widely known pastor who leads Redeemer [a church] up in New York and this excerpt from the book deals with a woman he met several years ago at his church. The excerpt explains just how well this woman understood the Gospel and...well, you can read for yourself:

"Some years ago, I met a woman who began coming to Redeemer, the church where I am a minister. She said that she had gone to a church growing up and she had always heard that God accepts us only if we are sufficiently good and ethical. She had never heard the message she was now hearing, that we can be accepted by God by sheer grace through the work of Christ regardless of anything we do or have done. She said, "That is a scary idea! Oh, it's good scary, but still scary."

I was intrigued. I asked her what was so scary about unmerited free grace? She replied something like this: "If I were saved by my good works - then there would be a limit to what God could ask of me or put me through. I would be like a taxpayer with rights. I would have done my duty and now I would deserve a certain quality of life. But if it is really true that I am a sinner saved be sheer grace - at God's infinite cost - then there's nothing he cannot ask of me." She could immediately see that the wonderful-beyond-belief teaching of salvation by sheer grace had two edges to it. On the one hand it cut away slavish fear. God loves us freely, despite our flaws and failures. Yet she also knew that if Jesus really had done this for her - she was not her own. She was bought with a price."

If only it were to come that easy to me. Well, no, I understand it. Now I just need to be reminded of it every, single, freaking moment.

where is the pause button?!

So...I've been thinking lately...that time...seriously needs a pause button. I think I've mentioned something like this before in my previous posts but it was so true when all the upperclassmen said that time was going to fly by quicker as you start to progress in your college life. It's so hard to believe that I'm already a junior! Well actually, that part doesn't seem to strike me that hard...probably because I'm going to be staying in college for a year or two more after the year I'm supposed to be graduating [does that make sense?]. Anyways, wow, I don't really know how to comprehend it at all. I guess all I can do for now is just take it day by day...moment...by moment?

I think what makes it even more...scarier is the fact that everyone's seems to be giving me the "start looking for that one" talk. Personally, I would love to but I feel so freaked out. I mean, I know they probably don't mean it should be my top priority because I'm still a student but it should be something that I start bring to attention a bit more than I have been before. I will say I definitely am praying about it but I think right now, God is telling me to focus more on further building the relationships I already have with my friends and family. I also know and think that finding that "one" comes at a different time for everyone so I'm not worried...as long as I marry somewhat early...haha. Although, there has been someone that I have been praying on and off about but I think...I'm going to keep this one wrapped up until I'm for sure about it.

Oh, and forgot to mention that I'm turning 21 real soon. Like, real soon. Like, I'm-going-to-freak-out-because-I'm-turning-21 soon. Oh. My. God.

On a lighter note, the holidays are coming up and I'm mucho excited!!! The other day, I was walking at the park with a close friend of mine and the topic of the upcoming holidays came up. I told her how I was really, really excited for it...even more so than previous years it seems like. I told her how things that I normally do not like about the holidays like eggnog [excuse me for those who love eggnog, I tried it once and I must say, I did not like it at all] get me so pumped for christmas and the new year. The warm, fuzzy, happy feeling you get from the holidays is also my drive for being so excited for the holidays...although, I thought you're normally supposed to feel this way during the holidays...not weeks before it. I'm so excited about it that I don't know what to do with myself...HAHA. I'm so weird. My friend said that it sounds like I have the holiday fever. I don't know what it is, maybe God's planning to do something radical in my life the next few months haha. Who knows? I should probably get started on the Christmas shopping as well as the card writing. Oh my, the food! My pastor, as well as some others at my church, have been making fun of me for it but I am so, so, so, so, SO looking forward to the food from the holidays. My mouth is starting to water even from just thinking about it haha. Yay for the holidays!

cute eyes, nice body, what more could you ask for???

So there's this boy I see at L.A. fitness everyday that I find very attractive. He's got such cute, puppy eyes and a very, very, very nice body. I think we have this mutual thing of looking at each other's direction, looking at each other for a sec and then turning away once the other person looks. It's driving me crazy. I'm not too much into this whole go-up-to-a-stranger-and-say-hi thing but I've been dying to know his name every since I've started recognizing him. I don't know why he became so apparent to me just recently, I think he's been going there for quite a bit now although, I don't recall seeing him last year. I don't really have any intention on dating him or anything of that sort but it would be nice to have someone to say hi to at the gym so I don't go walking around like an idiot when I don't have anything to do or if I'm waiting for someone get off a machine. Part of me wishes though, that I was this bold and fearless girl that could just knock the socks off any guy and just go up to them and say hi but then the other part of me just wants to sort of stay quiet until the guy does something. I just want a cute guy friend at the gym!!! [HAHA.] Hey...maybe I can bring him to church sometime if we get closer in our relationship...ooooo...now that's an idea. :]

There's several things that I realized I need to experience more of. One is definitely finding friends outside of this Korean/Asian community. I'm in no way racist but I do find myself, either because of culture or because of conformity, that I tend to gravitate towards Asian people more. It's funny because I'm the one that says I want to experience different cultures and get to meet different people and here I am spending time with people that are of the same ethnicity as me. Well, maybe the guy at L.A. fitness can be a start. I mean, I do have non-Asian friends, but I don't have many and so I would very much like to expand my relationships with those people and get to know other new people as well. This is so overwhelming though because although I may seem social on the outside, I'm so shy on the inside so it'll take a while for people to know me although I somehow end up knowing everything about them so quickly. I really need to push myself out there to be doing something like this. God give me strength!

The other thing is, not so much something I want to experience [I'll explain] but I've been having thoughts about. So ever since I've seen this guy around at the gym, it got me thinking about dating/marrying non-Asian guys. It got me started on all the pros and cons of dating someone that is just totally culturally different from me. Oh, forgot to mention that this is all basing off the fact that whoever this non-Asian dude is already a christian with a strong faith. So anyways, first off, I don't know how my parents would take it. I mean, who I marry is who I marry, they can't tell me who to love and who to pair up with but I would definitely understand if they found it hard to reach out to him or communicate with him because well, my parents are fobs and he's an American. It'd be cool if he could learn Korean so that I would be able to communicate with him some what and him with my parents. Second is the FOOD. I still have to learn how to cook/make a lot of the foods but I don't even know if he'll like them or get used to them. I'm Asian for goodness sakes, I can't live without my rice. Third = child rearing. This may sound stupid or just absurd coming from a 20 year old but I really think that if I had a non-Asian husband, we would have arguments on how to raise our children. Many Asian families rear their children as they grow up and this is just a norm. Don't get me wrong now, when I say rearing, I mean just a spank or two [unless they're being straight up rebels]. It's not like the child abuse stuff you hear on TV or read in the papers. Now that shit is crazy I tell ya. American families, or "white" families [I feel bad using that term], rarely ever rear their children. I have yet to hear a family that has done so. It just...doesn't happen. That's fine that they do that but I'm definitely going to have to bring out that whooping stick on my kids if I see they're being disrespectful. That's another thing to - respect. Respect is such a big part of the Asian culture. I don't see at such a big aspect in the American culture. It's there but it's not as enforced I feel like as is in the Asian culture. Man, I'm going on forever. I need to get to bed.

On a side note: I really need to pray more. I just finished up reading the book of John for my morning QT's an they have been very, very good. Only thing is I don't really get to pray since I don't have much time in the mornings. Prayer is such an important part of the Christian life. I've probably said this many, many times before but it really is true. People who don't pray a lot will say it's whatever because they don't "see" things changing but who ever does instantly? It's all in God's timing and He works for the good of those who love Him.

Anyways, to wrap things up, I guess I've pretty much come down to the conclusion that I need more strength and confidence in Him...and prayer. Well, strength and confidence in Him through prayer. There we go. Ok, my eyes are half-closing. Goodnight!

back and forth

Looking back on my blogs, I'm so moody. Maybe I need some therapy or something...o_O. We all have our own ups and downs...right?

Anyways, I can't believe school is starting just a few weeks. Wow, and with school, time flies by so fast...next thing you know, it'll be 2010...which is really scary I tell you. I'm already getting freaked by the fact that it's going to be winter time soon. Ahhh, we're all growing up! I'm growing up! Oh my, I'm kind of, really, extremely scared but at the same time, I'm excited to see where life [or God] is going to lead me to next.

This summer has flown by so quickly. I guess for pretty much the whole middle of summer, I've been busy with church but it was good. First, missions to Dominican Republic with the youth group, then helping out at church for VBS, and then finishing it up with a whole month of teaching at my church's summer day camp. This summer was definitely one that was well spent. Working with kids is something I truly enjoy and I got to do that all summer. How exciting! :]

School is something that I'm not necessarily looking forward to but I"m glad that it's finally coming. I don't know, maybe this year, I'll get back on track. I don't know what it was previous years, my enjoyment in studying just kind of...dropped. Hopefully this year, with lots of prayer and dedication, studying will be something I'll enjoy more and more. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed studying but I guess previous years, something was just...lacking? Bleh, I don't know.

I'm nervous and excited about this new school year as I've stated before. Maybe God has something special planned out for me...I'm getting the heeby-jeebies haha. Actually, that probably is no indication whatsoever about what God has planned out for me or whether or not He even has anything planned out for me. I'm just probably being a nervous wreck. Heh. Anyways, until next time then [which will hopefully be very soon]!

in need of more prayer

Honestly, I feel like a lot of what I've been doing these days all just adds up to nothing. I feel like I've been pushing myself away from God even more and more and it's hard not having anyone to talk about that with.

I need someone that will be able to keep me accountable for my spiritual walk and well...just about everything else and vice versa. I really need to pray more.

long time no blog

So...I haven't blogged in such a long time. I should really come back to it. I feel like these days, it would be my only source of venting, without feeling guilty.

There's been a lot going on. I mean, for one, school's been out now for about a month or so and so I've just been bumming around the house. I feel really lazy just staying at home so I've been going to the gym everyday, just to keep my body active at least. I feel bad though since I don't have a job, which I think I have some what of a legitimate excuse for. I'm also going on missions, well hopefully, if everything works out and it's also the reason why I'm not looking for a job. I'm also going to be helping out at CityPeace's summer day camp for the whole month of July, which means that I won't be able to work until after August. I'll have all of August and the rest of this year plus next year to work so won't be too bad, right?

Spiritually, it's been such a struggle. I mean, right now I'm living such a mundane life. I wake up late, I go to the gym, I come back home and just do nothing for the rest of the day until I go to sleep. I try to fill it up with things everyday but I still have a chunk of time left over. This would probably be a good time for me to be meditating on the Word or praying but I just have no motivation. It's just really upsetting. On top of that, I don't really have anyone to talk this out with. I feel like right now, all of my other friends are just whatever about their faith [there are that few that do actually care but they're guys and I'm kind of skeptical with sharing my feelings with them for reasons I won't really get into now]. I don't really have an accountability partner to help encourage me and it's honestly tough. I'm just lacking so much right now and reading the Word and praying [I won't say I loved it everyday, there were times where I got lazy] used to come so easily but now it's just plain hard. To top it off this whole mission's issue with the money and me going needs prayer but I'm not praying about it at all.

I think I'm just going to leave it here for tonight. I could certainly keep on going but it's just too much to write/type up and my neck is cramping up. It's not that I'm denying God or anything of that sort...I'm just...in need of some encouragement. God, will you provide that someone for me?

regrets

I know it's not really a good thing to mull over past deeds but this one keeps on hitting me in the head like a 10 ton brick. I honestly feel so alone coming back home from transferring out of my Philly school. I miss it. A lot. I miss all the friends and relationships I've built when I was there. Even though some of them may not have been deep, I still had a family there. Not to say I don't have one here back at home with my actual family and friends here, but I feel like the friendships I had there were special, one-of-a-kind friendships. I'm really regretting coming out of USP. It really sucks that I don't get to join them and do the activities that they do. I feel so out of the loop now and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I mean, they all say I'm still family and nothing's changed but it feels so different to me regardless. Maybe I'm just being a little baby and whiny about it but I don't know, it just sucks ass. I mean all my friends here are great too but they all have their own agendas, and it's not like I see them everyday like I did with everyone back at USP when I lived on campus. And I feel like these days, my friendships with the people here at home have become so...superficial. All we do is ask each other how we're doign and that's it. And what's the point of bringing it up with those here? No one's going to understand.

I'll admit, part of it is because I'm jealous. Jealous to see that all my friends back at USP are now growing and spending time with one another, tightening the friendships that they've made freshman year. Whenever I see pictures posted up on my friends' facebooks of get togethers or fellowship, I get upset because I have nothing like that here. And it's not just about USP. Other friends that I have that are away on their own school campuses are probably having the time of their life, spending it with friends that they've grown close to. I feel like such a big baby for saying shit like this because I just sound so needy.

I think what makes it worse is that I'm just falling behind...in everything. I mean, my relationship with God right now is shaky and school wise, it's just getting worse and worse for me. And I know this is not that great either, comparing myself to others, but how can I not? I'm trying to stay positive and I'm trying to push myself to think that everyone's situation is different and so I really can't compare anything between myself and others but it's a struggle and it's frustrating. I'm behind in school and I don't even know what the hell I want to do or should do with my life...I'm just so lost and I feel like everyone pretty much knows the direction they want to take and even for the ones that don't know, they still have some sort of plan but for me, I just don't know overall.

I think if there was one thing I could go back and change, it'd be that. That I would have stayed at USP and not come out. Those people that I talked to were right and I should have listened. I bent my own agenda for something else that wasn't going last and now I'm sitting here regretting it so much. I had such a great loving family of brothers and sisters there that cared for me so much and I feel like in some ways, I've let them down by leaving. I feel bad for leaving the friends that I've made there. God provided me with something so special and I turned down His offer for something that was so worthless.

passion week

Amidst all my failures and my lackings, You still love me and renew me in Your grace and mercy. Through little things you remind me how precious I am in Your sight and how willing You are to take me back into Your arms again even if I've failed You. During this week, will You humble me and make me whole again? I am in need of Your perfect love and Your discipline. It's amazing how You cease to amaze me with Your kindness and gentleness. You came here for someone so unlovable like me and through Your death, You've restored me. Please change my heart to be willing to trust and follow You through all my days. Your sure and secure promises are all I need to strive to live this life to its fullest for You. Will You open my eyes to all that You have in store for me and help me to face and walk through the challenges and obstacles that stand before me with Your strength and wisdom? I cannot thank You enough for all that You've done for me. You are good and forever should Your name be glorified. In Your precious Son's name I pray, Amen.

it's been a while...

Sorry I haven't updated in such a long time.
I just kept on pushing it back and back and then eventually just forgot about it. Oops.

Hmm, these days have been a bit of a journey for me.
I'm struggling to find the balance between realities and dreams.
I don't know, I feel like I've been slacking off in a lot of things too and I feel like, for whatever reason, I just can't get back on my feet.
I want to move on and do the things that I want and I want to be able to get back up on my feet and start walking again.
I feel a bit lost to be quite honest. I don't really know what I want to do with my life, nor do I really know why I'm stuck in this rut.
But then again, we'll never know the answers to all our questions and sometimes it's just better not knowing, right?
I guess I'm just being a big worry-wart making a big deal out of something that could be absolutely menial.
Bleh, I don't know.

struggling

Maybe I'm being too stubborn and prideful.

Maybe I'm being bitter towards God.

Maybe I'm not being willing enough to let God take control of everything again.

I'm scared of what I've become/will become.

It's hard for me to see the end of it all.

It's hard for me to feel motivated to do anything anymore.

I know God has a hold of me but my hands have been letting for a while now…

…I want to be able to hold onto His hands firmly again, with assurance.

I want out on this.

sinking in

Feeling the pangs of reality sink in and I am not liking it one bit.

School has become such a bore, no joke.
...I just don't feel like doing anything anymore.
Nothing's motivating me.

Am I just not getting it?

new model obsession

name: chanel iman robinson
age: 19

She's named after Coco Chanel and the supermodel Iman and she's part korean! Her mom is half-korean, half-black, which is so uber cool.

Gorgeous. Very gorgeous indeed.









Chanel with her mommy. :]

currently reading: "disciplines of a Godly woman"

So, these days, it's been a bit rough just because I've been slacking off with a lot of things, especially my efforts to keep in touch with God. I'm just feeling really lost and I don't know, I just want to get out of this mess.

Anyways, I'm currently reading "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" written by Barbara Hughes and it's been helping me open my mind and eyes to a lot good points and views. It's definitely going to hard at times [like it is now] but I really want to live a life that's fulfilling to God. I know what I say and what I do sometimes don't really match up to what I say at times like this, but what can I say really? I'm human. I'm prone to fall and wander away and God knows that too but it's through those falls and failures that I get up and learn.

It's still a struggle for me to see that a big stupid failure like me can still be loved by someone so forgiving and gracious. It kind of brought me to tears reading some of what Barbara Hughes had written in her book because it touched on a lot of what's been going on with me personally.

I'm trying hard to change my lifestyle and get back on track. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and I'm going to fail...A LOT, no doubt about that but I willing to go on this ride no matter what because I know in the end, it's all going to be worth it.

For all the ladies out there who are interested, I would definitely recommend getting this book. I would say it's definitely worth taking a look at.

"Godliness with contentment"

make up

Make up can be so bothersome but I love it.
Wait...did I just say that?
........
Oh dear, what has become of me? o_O;;

done and gone

I feel like I just lost a big opportunity.

always, always

Why do I always have to be the first one to say, "I'm sorry"?
Why do I always have to be the one to say, "Can you forgive me"?
Why do I always have to be the first one to reach out and say, "Hey, let's try and work things out"?
How come I always have to go the extra mile to patch things up?
How come everyone else gets to sit around on their asses and pretend like everything's ok?
Why does it feel like I'm always getting hurt the most out of everybody?
Why do I always have to be the underdog?
Maybe I'm blinding myself to the fact that I'm putting myself in these situations, I don't know.
What I do know, is that I absolutely fucking hate it.

getting lost in music

I can't believe...I'm listening to Jeff Buckley.
아이고...How all very interesting this is.

eating, outing, and having fun

What a weekend. Now it's back to reality.

Dear Snow,
Could you, would you, pretty please with a cherry on top, snow till forever tomorrow so that classes are canceled? Not too much that there's a ridiculous amount on the roads but just enough that I won't have to go to classes tomorrow and just enough that I'll still be able to go to the gym because I seriously need to start up my exercising again. Oh oh and just enough...or actually a lot to cover the rock salt that's going to keep on getting sprayed. Thank you very much.

Yours truly,
Sat

no moh feb

Tis' the last day of February, my favorite month. Awww. :(
Bye bye February. See you next year.

to a friend

"Trying to press the rewind button, only to find that it's broken."

There's lots of things that I'd like to say to you and share with you but for the sake of time, politeness, and censoring, I'll spare you the details and just get straight to the point. I feel like there's certain things that you did to me that really severed my trust and reliance with you. I feel like those times I was hurting the most, you said things that were completely contradictory to the way you were living your life out at that moment. I know and understand that you may have had good intentions in doing so, but in my opinion, that was the worst thing you could have done. Already knowing much, I would have gladly accepted brute honesty over meaningful cover ups. The past is the past and there's not much you or I can do about it now. However, I feel like there's still things left unsaid that I need to let out and I hope you'll be able to bear with me on this. The following, as well as everything I've just stated, is just a list of things that have been on my mind for a while and it's been bothering the crap out of me and if I don't let it out now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring up again.

I really miss the friendship that we used to have.
Even though we may not have been that close, I regret the fact that I didn't take up the opportunity to create a friendship that I could have come to cherish.
I guess when you first came around, I felt somewhat threatened because I'm not used to having girl friends [honest to God].
I've always been surrounded by guys and you were slowly breaking that barrier and I didn't like it at the time as much as I enjoyed getting to know you.
But as much as I may be upset towards you or may have been, I'm sorry things had to turn out this way.
I'm sorry for those times I might have been a bit out of line and I'm thankful that you were kind enough to understand and forgive that.
I'm sorry for being selfish and stubborn and I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way.
Who would have thought that something like this could have so easily messed up a growing relationship so quickly?
I don't know about you but I definitely feel an awkward tension whenever we see each other just because of our situation and this tension/awkwardness will probably still somewhat be there as time passes and even if everything got better.
But I'm praying that things turn out for the better on your behalf and that in everything you do, you'll do it for His glory.

It just really hurts to see that some of my most cherished relationships have been broken because of things like this.
It hurts and feels like I've lost a sister that God had placed in my life to learn and grow with.
I hoped that our relationship would have still stuck on some what but I guess not.
Hopefully one day, we'll be able to rebuild that relationship that we were supposed to have without any hurts, regrets.
We're called to forgive and love one another regardless of how many times we may have hurt each other and I'm still learning and growing in that.
Knowing myself, I know this is something I'm going to be struggling with for the rest of my life but God's teaching me to forgive and let go and He's continuing to shower me with His love and His grace.
God has broken me in many ways and this is by far the most humbling out of them all.
God gives and takes away and I don't know what His plan is for the both of us.
Whether or not our friendship fades away or slowly comes back up again is His decision but regardless, I know that He'll grow us both to be such disciplined and strong women in Him.

Remember when we used to joke around, calling each other "twin"?
Remember when we used to laugh and have a good time making fun of people together [as messed up as that was]?
Remember all those times you suddenly in the middle of VERY SERIOUS conversations because you had to go to your MANY, MANY meetings? [Haha.]
I am in no way trying to lead you on a guilt trip.
I was just looking back on past conversations and looking at some of them brought a smile to my face.
Regardless of the status of our relationship is [broken/not broken/whatever], I'm still a sister in Christ and as much as it may be hard for me right now, I'm still here and willing to talk if ever you would need me.

I would have liked to shared this with you face to face, but seeing the size of this thing, I definitely wouldn't have been able to remember all of this so this was the next best thing I could think of.

"Mucho gracias por tú tiempo y pacienca. Preguntas o comentarios?"
[You took spanish, right?]

2-0

Happy birthday to me. Whoo.
I must admit, this is a little bit scary. o_o;;

and down i go

Falling and falling and falling.
This is going to be an on going battle, isn't it?

Lord God, I need Your forgiveness and Your strength again.

e-s-c-a-p-e

I need to get out of the house. Pronto.

지겨워죽엤어 진짜. ㅅㅂ.

out of sync

My brain is so dysfunctional right now.

널 만나서 이렇개 큰 상처바든거는 처음이야.
너 같은 싸가지없고, 눈치없고, 바보같은 놈 만난것도 처음이고.
니 여친하고 행복하게 살어라...
...난 너보다 더 행복하게 살거니까.

drowning

My feet are weary God.
I'm lost, confused and I don't know where to go, where to run to.
I feel like I've been letting go of You and letting You slip from my hands.
Everything feels like a mess right now; nothing seems to be going right.
I know I've been lacking on my part though.
I've been lacking in those commitments I've made to You.
Even now, there's so many thoughts racing through my mind.
I can't seem to focus even on the simplest tasks.
What's wrong with me these days?
Little things are getting to me and I feel like I'm having a hard time getting over them.
I'm lacking discipline and so much more.

Please Lord, I need You.

i am one stubborn mess

I really need to calm myself down these days. I feel so ansy and nervous and uncomfortable inside. Maybe it's because I don't pray as much as I used to before. Praying always helps me calm down and I've just found myself lacking in it these past couple weeks. My heart wants to reach out to Him but my body says no. Man, I am very stubborn. All the more reason why I need more Jesus in my life.

P.S. I really miss O.I.L. A lot.

Anyways, there's a song that's been on my mind lately...well sort of. I don't know, it just gets to me every time I listen to it. Here it is.

Starfield - Reign In Us

[V1] You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

[Pre-C] Lord Jesus
Come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[C] Oh Great and Mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

[v2] Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need Your perfect love, we need Your discipline
We're lost unless You guide us with Your light

[Pre-C] Lord Jesus
Come lead us
We're desperate for Your touch

[C] Oh Great and Mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

[B1] We cry out, for Your life to revive us, cry out
For Your love to define us, cry out
For Your mercy to keep us
Blameless until You return

[C] Oh Great and Mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

[B2] So reign, please reign in us
Come purify our hearts
We need Your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood
And set us out
So the world may know You reign, You reign in us

oh st. valentine

I won't pretend like everything's alright today. I tried not to let it get the best of me but today has just reminded me of you a little too much and I really don't like it one bit.
Maybe it's the Philly in me but I seriously want to pop one in YO FACE. No joke. To BOTH of ya'll.
I really wonder what went through your head when you told me that your trust for me was fading when you were doing the same thing to me and lying to my face. Did that ever come across your mind?
Biggest 눈치없는 idiot ever.
I don't know why I feel so bitter these days. Towards you, towards everyone.
Maybe I just need some shut-out-everyone alone time.
I think people hype up Valentine's Day a little too much and sometimes it gets overrated. I like the chocolate and flowers and all but I don't like the fact that people get so obsessed over the fact that it's Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is just like any other day people. Why must people decide on VDay to confess their undying love for their significant other? Why not some other day?
Be random. I like random. Random is more fun.
Today is just not my day and honestly I will admit I'm a little upset that I didn't receive chocolates or flowers. It's not something I'm obsessively crying and pouting over but I am a little bummed to say the least. Which leads me to my next point of "I kind of [notice I said "kind of"] wish I had a significant other." [I only say kind of because I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now but that's a whole other story which I won't get into.]
Well, I guess that just means more time for Jesus, which is never a bad thing. I like Jesus. :]

Anyways, I'm peacin' for tonight.

on politics

So this is about the only time you'll ever hear me talk anything about politics because I'm am so not a politics girl. However, in regards to the new Stimulus Bill, I am not too happy about the cut back on money for education. What does that cut back mean for me? Well coming from a family that has to work its ass off just get by, I am one who is definitely in favor of having more money for education. Especially now that I'm thinking about going out of state for school, loans are going to be a huge part of my financial aid for education and if the Stimulus Bill, which probably might be signed and passed on very soon, is stating that there's going to be a huge cut back on that...dear Lord, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I honestly just hope and pray that President Obama, if this bill is passed, will be able to get us out of this economic mess.

You know what also gets me extremely mad/annoyed? [Actually the more and more I think about it, the more and more I get mad.] That small percentage of ridiculously rich people, and when I say ridiculous, I mean extremely and ridiculously wealthy people that are not fucking spending their money like they should be. They honestly hold so much power in the economy and they're doing everything they can to save up as much money for themselves. Selfish idiots. Excuse my language but honestly, they have all the money they could ever want but because they see that this economy is starting to drop, they're going to cut back on spending and then it hits the middle class and poor folks hard because they HAVE nothing to spend but they're doing their most to keep up on their part. They need to start spending so that there's money flowing throughout the economy again. If they keep holding back and holding back, then the economy is just going to drop lower and lower, hitting families like mine harder. Inconsiderate bastards. As much as I want to make money and be successful, honestly when I see things like this, sometimes I just want to stay where I am.

Ya'll have all that money. You guys made that money to spend. So do us poor people a favor and start spending it like ya'll are making it, damn it.

unreal

This all...seems very unreal.


*I shall post more later.

to the left, to the left

I think part of the reason why I've been having all these crazy convictions to travel and go out of my comfort zone is because I was so scared to do it. I was reading some of my old magazines that I had and there was one with an interview with Angelina Jolie. We all know her as the butt-kicking, tattoo-loving, humanitarian who loves to do totally unique things. She stated something that I found very true and her statement was that "if you don't get out of the box you've been raised in, you won't understand how much bigger the world is." I feel like for myself, I've been so Philly this, Philly that, PA this, PA that, that I failed to realize that there's so much more going on besides and outside of Philly and PA. Yeah, I've gone to New York and New Jersey but they were only for visiting and for fun. Don't get me wrong, I love PA and I especially love Philly, after all, that's where I pretty much grew up for half my life but I never put myself out there to really experience life as it is outside of my own comfort zone. I've gotten a somewhat small glimpse of it when I went to USP but even then, my home was only an hour away and I still had people around me that I knew, that would make me feel comfortable enough to know that I was still at home. Even when I went on missions, I must admit, I was babied and pampered. I mean, there were some inconveniences but overall, I stayed at a nice place, I definitely had the best food there, I had a bed to sleep on, what more could I have asked for?

However, this "conviction", desire, strong urge to completely go and step out of that comfort zone is honestly, completely new to me but at the same time, I'm excited about it. To step out of where I live and my comfort zone and to go somewhere completely new, like Texas for example, I mean, I'm up for it. I think it'll be a chance to really grow and mature in many ways. Spiritually, I think living on my own without really knowing anyone there, I'll definitely learn to depend on God A LOT more because I wouldn't be able to depend on my parents as much as I would want to or like to just because they're so far from me. Not to say that I wouldn't depend on God even my parents were there, but yeah, ya'll know what I mean. :) Just in general, I would grow more independent because I'd learn to do things on my own, get around on my own, explore on my own, be able to discern from right/wrong, etc. Till this day, I will admit, I am still very lost when it comes to taxes, banks/bank accounts, and many more.

I seriously need to grow up. I don't know, I really would like to go out and explore but there's things that are holding me back from it, especially money. I know that if it is God's will though, He will provide and I'm praying that that's the case, but I'm not 100% sure. I'm still praying and trusting in Him that He'll work out something if it is His will. And people ask me, why in the world Texas? Or even I question myself and say that I could probably experience all that in places such as New York, Massachusetts, Washington, D.C., Maryland, but I don't know, I feel like because they're physically only a couple hours away [with the exception of Mass.], that I won't get that same experience that I'm searching for in Texas or some place far. I know I want to come back to the east coast for med school so it's not like I'm leaving forever. I guess I just need a vaca from the bubble I've blown up around myself all these years. It's seriously time to make a change and whether I get accepted or not to the schools in TX [which I'm hoping I really do], I know God will still grow me. It's my part to just trust and follow like always.

musicaaa

So there have been certain songs I've been putting on repeat and I thought I'd just like to share some of them with whoever reads my blogs :) Oh, and they're not in any particular order or ranking.

The list goes as is:
1) Insomnia - Craig David
2) Happy - Natasha Bedingfield
3) Live Your Life - T.I. ft. Rihanna*
4) Diva - Beyonce*
5) When I Grow Up - PCD
6) Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolph ft. Lil Wayne
7) Just Dance - Lady Gaga
8) Single Ladies - Beyonce
9) No One - Alicia Keys
10) Pop Champagne - Jim Jones*

There's more but I think 10 is enough for now. I either like these songs because I like the beat, I like singing along, or I just find the song fun to listen to. So voila, there's my play list for the new year so far.
*The starred ones are the ones I am very much into right now. :)

in response to fauxhawk... :)

I'm trying not to let the emotions get the best of me.
It is way to early to decide on anything.
Although, I will admit, I do have an interest.
I definitely do not want the interest to spark into anything unnecessary.
If anything, I want it of course, to come from both sides, not just mine.
The way we're interacting with each other definitely makes it seem like the other is taking interest, but I don't want to assume anything.
I want both of us to build a strong friendship with each other before anything.
I don't want to get my hopes up, although sometimes, I find myself being carried away by such thoughts.
I'm praying about this.
Lord, I know I'm not perfect and I'll make mistakes, but I seriously don't want to screw anything up again.

P.S. I really liked your fauxhawk, why'd you have to go and take it away? :(
And as for your bracelet...:)

no more just saying, i'm going to make it happen

I've decided to make a New Year's resolutions list, however realistic or unrealistic they may be or sound, just as a reminder to myself of what goals I should be working towards. So here it is:
1. Pray, pray, pray! - I realized that prayer is something I should never be lacking in and the more I pray, the more I realize that I have more things to pray about. A prayerful life, I believe, leads to a more peaceful and humble life.
2. Work like crazyyy - I also realized that no work = no money and I am definitely in need of some of that cash. So much of what I want to do depends on how much I have, so this semester and I guess even just this whole year, I'm going to save and save and save so I can finally do what I've been always wanting to do. Which leads me to my third point...
3. TRAVEL - Now that I'm not tied down to anything really, I so would like to travel. It's something that I've always wanted to do but because of barriers like money, I've just never been able to do it. I've already made a list of places I would like to go and they're not in any particular order but I shall share a few:
a. Korea
b. Brazil
c. France
d. Egypt
e. Japan
f. Italy
g. As well as the States other than PA
4. Spend more time with the family - I think I've only begun to realize and grasp the importance of a close and strongly knit family. I've been stubborn and would push off any family time that came across for me. I come to realize the scary thought that I'm never going to know when everyone's going to "leave" [if you know what I mean] so I have to cherish the time we have with each other now before it's too late.
5) Plan and actually do a road trip with friends - Going along with my passion to travel, I would really love to go on a road trip. I think it'd be exciting no? :)
6) Get a new phone - The one I'm currently looking at is the Blackberry Curve. My ghetto phone has been good to me the past two years, but I think my phone needs to be pimped up and changed too.

There's still a lot more I would very much like to do but I think this is quite a handful for just one year. I shall update more on this list later. :)

"During my stressin', I'm blinded to the lessons that could be a blessin'
If I'd be confessin'
That the enemy I'm trying to beat...
...Is hiding inside me

But it's ok now
What are you worrin' about?
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends, got the sunshine above
Why'm I making this so hard on myself?
When there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy"
Happy - Natasha Bedingfield
thanks buddy :)

OIL '09 - In Christ Alone

So I came back from OIL just a few days ago and as much as it seemed like just another retreat, it was definitely a different experience. I was so blessed to have worshiped such an awesome God with so many other people who also desired the same thing. I must say, I don't know what heaven is really going to be like but I think I got just a little glimpse of it at OIL and I am so looking forward to the day when we can ALL worship Him together.

I think one of the major things I got out of OIL was that putting my identity in Christ means dying to myself and growing in Him. It's kind of funny because this "theme" kept on reoccurring throughout all the retreats I've gone to. God was trying to speak to me. I know it. :)

Overall, it was just a huge blessing. I can't even begin to describe what it was like. Everyone must go and experience it for themselves. I know I'm definitely looking forward to OIL '10.

made '08/college united '09/OIL

This week was [besides finals week] the most tiring week ever. With retreats back to back, I certainly did not have any time to get enough rest. I actually have a retreat coming up this week, this wednesday to be exact. I've gained a lot from both retreats and I blessed to have been surrounded by such wonderful people.

The first retreat was Jubilee's youth group retreat at Sandy Cove in MD. The retreat center was so gorgeous, I felt so spoiled to have gone to such a nice place. The view at the dock was so amazing and beautiful. I couldn't have asked for anything better. I went as a teacher for the retreat and I was a small group leader for the 6th grade girls. They were a handful but they were so cute and bubbly, a bit A.D.D. in my opinion. ^^ However much they went off tangents, they were equally willing to learn and were ready with questions to ask me left and right. Teaching them kind of reminded me about when Jesus talks about children and having the faith and heart like that of children. When we're young, even younger than 6th grade, we become so dependent on our parents for everything. Their the ones we look up to to get us food, help us get dressed, take us to the bathroom, pretty much everything. I think me teaching them was kind of way for God to remind me to have that kind of faith...for Him. To have that dependency on Him when times get rough and even those times when I'm not going through any struggles at all. It's definitely a challenge, trying to live out a life fully dedicated to God but I think as I mature and grow in Him, I'll be able to depend on Him a little bit easier than before because He's brought me this far. I'm very thankful to have been part of that retreat and I'm also very thankful to have worked with the staff that's from Jubilee. They may be a bit crazy and weird at times [like at 3-4 in the morning but that's ok, I'm like that too] but I've come to see their love for Christ and that made me want to yearn for Christ that much more. Truly praise God and thank you guys. :)

The second retreat I went to was College United and that was a joint college fellowship retreat with CityPeace, Grace Point, Yuong-Sang ELM, Pure Joy, and Cornerstone. This was a very different and new experience for me. I've gone to college retreats before but not to one where I'm surrounded by people that I see a lot at home. The past college retreats I've gone to were ones from Renewal and that was when I was at school. It was a blessing to be at this retreat because I've got to spend time with my own church members as well as see other friends I haven't seen in a while. However, it was a bit of a struggle because I just had so much on my mind. It was hard for me to focus and plus, I was very, VERY, tired coming back from a youth group retreat just the day before. I definitely must say though that I learned and gained a lot. The pastors that spoke hit a lot of points home and what they spoke of was a really great reminder for me to live my life out for God and nothing else. I guess if I had to choose, the biggest thing I've come to realize from the retreat was my identity and where it lies. It's kind of funny because at the Jubilee YG retreat, Pastor Paul also spoke on that too and he made a good point in saying that who God is defines who I am and what God does defines what I do. Pastor Robert in his "Identity" seminar stated similar points and I think that helped me to rethink my heart motives and why I decide to do the things I do and what's really the purpose behind everything that I do. I guess this retreat was more of an eye opener for me than anything and I'm glad to have gone.

The next and last retreat I'm going on is OIL. I've heard and have gotten mixed reviews about it and I guess I really won't know what it's really about until I go and experience it for myself. I'm looking forward to it very much and I'm hoping I'll get some very good rest before I go because I am still very tired from the past week.

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God, help me to learn how to forgive.

it's 2009

Happy New Year's to everyone!~ :)