no moh feb

Tis' the last day of February, my favorite month. Awww. :(
Bye bye February. See you next year.

to a friend

"Trying to press the rewind button, only to find that it's broken."

There's lots of things that I'd like to say to you and share with you but for the sake of time, politeness, and censoring, I'll spare you the details and just get straight to the point. I feel like there's certain things that you did to me that really severed my trust and reliance with you. I feel like those times I was hurting the most, you said things that were completely contradictory to the way you were living your life out at that moment. I know and understand that you may have had good intentions in doing so, but in my opinion, that was the worst thing you could have done. Already knowing much, I would have gladly accepted brute honesty over meaningful cover ups. The past is the past and there's not much you or I can do about it now. However, I feel like there's still things left unsaid that I need to let out and I hope you'll be able to bear with me on this. The following, as well as everything I've just stated, is just a list of things that have been on my mind for a while and it's been bothering the crap out of me and if I don't let it out now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring up again.

I really miss the friendship that we used to have.
Even though we may not have been that close, I regret the fact that I didn't take up the opportunity to create a friendship that I could have come to cherish.
I guess when you first came around, I felt somewhat threatened because I'm not used to having girl friends [honest to God].
I've always been surrounded by guys and you were slowly breaking that barrier and I didn't like it at the time as much as I enjoyed getting to know you.
But as much as I may be upset towards you or may have been, I'm sorry things had to turn out this way.
I'm sorry for those times I might have been a bit out of line and I'm thankful that you were kind enough to understand and forgive that.
I'm sorry for being selfish and stubborn and I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way.
Who would have thought that something like this could have so easily messed up a growing relationship so quickly?
I don't know about you but I definitely feel an awkward tension whenever we see each other just because of our situation and this tension/awkwardness will probably still somewhat be there as time passes and even if everything got better.
But I'm praying that things turn out for the better on your behalf and that in everything you do, you'll do it for His glory.

It just really hurts to see that some of my most cherished relationships have been broken because of things like this.
It hurts and feels like I've lost a sister that God had placed in my life to learn and grow with.
I hoped that our relationship would have still stuck on some what but I guess not.
Hopefully one day, we'll be able to rebuild that relationship that we were supposed to have without any hurts, regrets.
We're called to forgive and love one another regardless of how many times we may have hurt each other and I'm still learning and growing in that.
Knowing myself, I know this is something I'm going to be struggling with for the rest of my life but God's teaching me to forgive and let go and He's continuing to shower me with His love and His grace.
God has broken me in many ways and this is by far the most humbling out of them all.
God gives and takes away and I don't know what His plan is for the both of us.
Whether or not our friendship fades away or slowly comes back up again is His decision but regardless, I know that He'll grow us both to be such disciplined and strong women in Him.

Remember when we used to joke around, calling each other "twin"?
Remember when we used to laugh and have a good time making fun of people together [as messed up as that was]?
Remember all those times you suddenly in the middle of VERY SERIOUS conversations because you had to go to your MANY, MANY meetings? [Haha.]
I am in no way trying to lead you on a guilt trip.
I was just looking back on past conversations and looking at some of them brought a smile to my face.
Regardless of the status of our relationship is [broken/not broken/whatever], I'm still a sister in Christ and as much as it may be hard for me right now, I'm still here and willing to talk if ever you would need me.

I would have liked to shared this with you face to face, but seeing the size of this thing, I definitely wouldn't have been able to remember all of this so this was the next best thing I could think of.

"Mucho gracias por tú tiempo y pacienca. Preguntas o comentarios?"
[You took spanish, right?]

2-0

Happy birthday to me. Whoo.
I must admit, this is a little bit scary. o_o;;

and down i go

Falling and falling and falling.
This is going to be an on going battle, isn't it?

Lord God, I need Your forgiveness and Your strength again.

e-s-c-a-p-e

I need to get out of the house. Pronto.

지겨워죽엤어 진짜. ㅅㅂ.

out of sync

My brain is so dysfunctional right now.

널 만나서 이렇개 큰 상처바든거는 처음이야.
너 같은 싸가지없고, 눈치없고, 바보같은 놈 만난것도 처음이고.
니 여친하고 행복하게 살어라...
...난 너보다 더 행복하게 살거니까.

drowning

My feet are weary God.
I'm lost, confused and I don't know where to go, where to run to.
I feel like I've been letting go of You and letting You slip from my hands.
Everything feels like a mess right now; nothing seems to be going right.
I know I've been lacking on my part though.
I've been lacking in those commitments I've made to You.
Even now, there's so many thoughts racing through my mind.
I can't seem to focus even on the simplest tasks.
What's wrong with me these days?
Little things are getting to me and I feel like I'm having a hard time getting over them.
I'm lacking discipline and so much more.

Please Lord, I need You.

i am one stubborn mess

I really need to calm myself down these days. I feel so ansy and nervous and uncomfortable inside. Maybe it's because I don't pray as much as I used to before. Praying always helps me calm down and I've just found myself lacking in it these past couple weeks. My heart wants to reach out to Him but my body says no. Man, I am very stubborn. All the more reason why I need more Jesus in my life.

P.S. I really miss O.I.L. A lot.

Anyways, there's a song that's been on my mind lately...well sort of. I don't know, it just gets to me every time I listen to it. Here it is.

Starfield - Reign In Us

[V1] You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

[Pre-C] Lord Jesus
Come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[C] Oh Great and Mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

[v2] Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need Your perfect love, we need Your discipline
We're lost unless You guide us with Your light

[Pre-C] Lord Jesus
Come lead us
We're desperate for Your touch

[C] Oh Great and Mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

[B1] We cry out, for Your life to revive us, cry out
For Your love to define us, cry out
For Your mercy to keep us
Blameless until You return

[C] Oh Great and Mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

[B2] So reign, please reign in us
Come purify our hearts
We need Your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood
And set us out
So the world may know You reign, You reign in us

oh st. valentine

I won't pretend like everything's alright today. I tried not to let it get the best of me but today has just reminded me of you a little too much and I really don't like it one bit.
Maybe it's the Philly in me but I seriously want to pop one in YO FACE. No joke. To BOTH of ya'll.
I really wonder what went through your head when you told me that your trust for me was fading when you were doing the same thing to me and lying to my face. Did that ever come across your mind?
Biggest 눈치없는 idiot ever.
I don't know why I feel so bitter these days. Towards you, towards everyone.
Maybe I just need some shut-out-everyone alone time.
I think people hype up Valentine's Day a little too much and sometimes it gets overrated. I like the chocolate and flowers and all but I don't like the fact that people get so obsessed over the fact that it's Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is just like any other day people. Why must people decide on VDay to confess their undying love for their significant other? Why not some other day?
Be random. I like random. Random is more fun.
Today is just not my day and honestly I will admit I'm a little upset that I didn't receive chocolates or flowers. It's not something I'm obsessively crying and pouting over but I am a little bummed to say the least. Which leads me to my next point of "I kind of [notice I said "kind of"] wish I had a significant other." [I only say kind of because I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now but that's a whole other story which I won't get into.]
Well, I guess that just means more time for Jesus, which is never a bad thing. I like Jesus. :]

Anyways, I'm peacin' for tonight.

on politics

So this is about the only time you'll ever hear me talk anything about politics because I'm am so not a politics girl. However, in regards to the new Stimulus Bill, I am not too happy about the cut back on money for education. What does that cut back mean for me? Well coming from a family that has to work its ass off just get by, I am one who is definitely in favor of having more money for education. Especially now that I'm thinking about going out of state for school, loans are going to be a huge part of my financial aid for education and if the Stimulus Bill, which probably might be signed and passed on very soon, is stating that there's going to be a huge cut back on that...dear Lord, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I honestly just hope and pray that President Obama, if this bill is passed, will be able to get us out of this economic mess.

You know what also gets me extremely mad/annoyed? [Actually the more and more I think about it, the more and more I get mad.] That small percentage of ridiculously rich people, and when I say ridiculous, I mean extremely and ridiculously wealthy people that are not fucking spending their money like they should be. They honestly hold so much power in the economy and they're doing everything they can to save up as much money for themselves. Selfish idiots. Excuse my language but honestly, they have all the money they could ever want but because they see that this economy is starting to drop, they're going to cut back on spending and then it hits the middle class and poor folks hard because they HAVE nothing to spend but they're doing their most to keep up on their part. They need to start spending so that there's money flowing throughout the economy again. If they keep holding back and holding back, then the economy is just going to drop lower and lower, hitting families like mine harder. Inconsiderate bastards. As much as I want to make money and be successful, honestly when I see things like this, sometimes I just want to stay where I am.

Ya'll have all that money. You guys made that money to spend. So do us poor people a favor and start spending it like ya'll are making it, damn it.

unreal

This all...seems very unreal.


*I shall post more later.