to a friend

"Trying to press the rewind button, only to find that it's broken."

There's lots of things that I'd like to say to you and share with you but for the sake of time, politeness, and censoring, I'll spare you the details and just get straight to the point. I feel like there's certain things that you did to me that really severed my trust and reliance with you. I feel like those times I was hurting the most, you said things that were completely contradictory to the way you were living your life out at that moment. I know and understand that you may have had good intentions in doing so, but in my opinion, that was the worst thing you could have done. Already knowing much, I would have gladly accepted brute honesty over meaningful cover ups. The past is the past and there's not much you or I can do about it now. However, I feel like there's still things left unsaid that I need to let out and I hope you'll be able to bear with me on this. The following, as well as everything I've just stated, is just a list of things that have been on my mind for a while and it's been bothering the crap out of me and if I don't let it out now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring up again.

I really miss the friendship that we used to have.
Even though we may not have been that close, I regret the fact that I didn't take up the opportunity to create a friendship that I could have come to cherish.
I guess when you first came around, I felt somewhat threatened because I'm not used to having girl friends [honest to God].
I've always been surrounded by guys and you were slowly breaking that barrier and I didn't like it at the time as much as I enjoyed getting to know you.
But as much as I may be upset towards you or may have been, I'm sorry things had to turn out this way.
I'm sorry for those times I might have been a bit out of line and I'm thankful that you were kind enough to understand and forgive that.
I'm sorry for being selfish and stubborn and I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way.
Who would have thought that something like this could have so easily messed up a growing relationship so quickly?
I don't know about you but I definitely feel an awkward tension whenever we see each other just because of our situation and this tension/awkwardness will probably still somewhat be there as time passes and even if everything got better.
But I'm praying that things turn out for the better on your behalf and that in everything you do, you'll do it for His glory.

It just really hurts to see that some of my most cherished relationships have been broken because of things like this.
It hurts and feels like I've lost a sister that God had placed in my life to learn and grow with.
I hoped that our relationship would have still stuck on some what but I guess not.
Hopefully one day, we'll be able to rebuild that relationship that we were supposed to have without any hurts, regrets.
We're called to forgive and love one another regardless of how many times we may have hurt each other and I'm still learning and growing in that.
Knowing myself, I know this is something I'm going to be struggling with for the rest of my life but God's teaching me to forgive and let go and He's continuing to shower me with His love and His grace.
God has broken me in many ways and this is by far the most humbling out of them all.
God gives and takes away and I don't know what His plan is for the both of us.
Whether or not our friendship fades away or slowly comes back up again is His decision but regardless, I know that He'll grow us both to be such disciplined and strong women in Him.

Remember when we used to joke around, calling each other "twin"?
Remember when we used to laugh and have a good time making fun of people together [as messed up as that was]?
Remember all those times you suddenly in the middle of VERY SERIOUS conversations because you had to go to your MANY, MANY meetings? [Haha.]
I am in no way trying to lead you on a guilt trip.
I was just looking back on past conversations and looking at some of them brought a smile to my face.
Regardless of the status of our relationship is [broken/not broken/whatever], I'm still a sister in Christ and as much as it may be hard for me right now, I'm still here and willing to talk if ever you would need me.

I would have liked to shared this with you face to face, but seeing the size of this thing, I definitely wouldn't have been able to remember all of this so this was the next best thing I could think of.

"Mucho gracias por tú tiempo y pacienca. Preguntas o comentarios?"
[You took spanish, right?]