to the left, to the left

I think part of the reason why I've been having all these crazy convictions to travel and go out of my comfort zone is because I was so scared to do it. I was reading some of my old magazines that I had and there was one with an interview with Angelina Jolie. We all know her as the butt-kicking, tattoo-loving, humanitarian who loves to do totally unique things. She stated something that I found very true and her statement was that "if you don't get out of the box you've been raised in, you won't understand how much bigger the world is." I feel like for myself, I've been so Philly this, Philly that, PA this, PA that, that I failed to realize that there's so much more going on besides and outside of Philly and PA. Yeah, I've gone to New York and New Jersey but they were only for visiting and for fun. Don't get me wrong, I love PA and I especially love Philly, after all, that's where I pretty much grew up for half my life but I never put myself out there to really experience life as it is outside of my own comfort zone. I've gotten a somewhat small glimpse of it when I went to USP but even then, my home was only an hour away and I still had people around me that I knew, that would make me feel comfortable enough to know that I was still at home. Even when I went on missions, I must admit, I was babied and pampered. I mean, there were some inconveniences but overall, I stayed at a nice place, I definitely had the best food there, I had a bed to sleep on, what more could I have asked for?

However, this "conviction", desire, strong urge to completely go and step out of that comfort zone is honestly, completely new to me but at the same time, I'm excited about it. To step out of where I live and my comfort zone and to go somewhere completely new, like Texas for example, I mean, I'm up for it. I think it'll be a chance to really grow and mature in many ways. Spiritually, I think living on my own without really knowing anyone there, I'll definitely learn to depend on God A LOT more because I wouldn't be able to depend on my parents as much as I would want to or like to just because they're so far from me. Not to say that I wouldn't depend on God even my parents were there, but yeah, ya'll know what I mean. :) Just in general, I would grow more independent because I'd learn to do things on my own, get around on my own, explore on my own, be able to discern from right/wrong, etc. Till this day, I will admit, I am still very lost when it comes to taxes, banks/bank accounts, and many more.

I seriously need to grow up. I don't know, I really would like to go out and explore but there's things that are holding me back from it, especially money. I know that if it is God's will though, He will provide and I'm praying that that's the case, but I'm not 100% sure. I'm still praying and trusting in Him that He'll work out something if it is His will. And people ask me, why in the world Texas? Or even I question myself and say that I could probably experience all that in places such as New York, Massachusetts, Washington, D.C., Maryland, but I don't know, I feel like because they're physically only a couple hours away [with the exception of Mass.], that I won't get that same experience that I'm searching for in Texas or some place far. I know I want to come back to the east coast for med school so it's not like I'm leaving forever. I guess I just need a vaca from the bubble I've blown up around myself all these years. It's seriously time to make a change and whether I get accepted or not to the schools in TX [which I'm hoping I really do], I know God will still grow me. It's my part to just trust and follow like always.

musicaaa

So there have been certain songs I've been putting on repeat and I thought I'd just like to share some of them with whoever reads my blogs :) Oh, and they're not in any particular order or ranking.

The list goes as is:
1) Insomnia - Craig David
2) Happy - Natasha Bedingfield
3) Live Your Life - T.I. ft. Rihanna*
4) Diva - Beyonce*
5) When I Grow Up - PCD
6) Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolph ft. Lil Wayne
7) Just Dance - Lady Gaga
8) Single Ladies - Beyonce
9) No One - Alicia Keys
10) Pop Champagne - Jim Jones*

There's more but I think 10 is enough for now. I either like these songs because I like the beat, I like singing along, or I just find the song fun to listen to. So voila, there's my play list for the new year so far.
*The starred ones are the ones I am very much into right now. :)

in response to fauxhawk... :)

I'm trying not to let the emotions get the best of me.
It is way to early to decide on anything.
Although, I will admit, I do have an interest.
I definitely do not want the interest to spark into anything unnecessary.
If anything, I want it of course, to come from both sides, not just mine.
The way we're interacting with each other definitely makes it seem like the other is taking interest, but I don't want to assume anything.
I want both of us to build a strong friendship with each other before anything.
I don't want to get my hopes up, although sometimes, I find myself being carried away by such thoughts.
I'm praying about this.
Lord, I know I'm not perfect and I'll make mistakes, but I seriously don't want to screw anything up again.

P.S. I really liked your fauxhawk, why'd you have to go and take it away? :(
And as for your bracelet...:)

no more just saying, i'm going to make it happen

I've decided to make a New Year's resolutions list, however realistic or unrealistic they may be or sound, just as a reminder to myself of what goals I should be working towards. So here it is:
1. Pray, pray, pray! - I realized that prayer is something I should never be lacking in and the more I pray, the more I realize that I have more things to pray about. A prayerful life, I believe, leads to a more peaceful and humble life.
2. Work like crazyyy - I also realized that no work = no money and I am definitely in need of some of that cash. So much of what I want to do depends on how much I have, so this semester and I guess even just this whole year, I'm going to save and save and save so I can finally do what I've been always wanting to do. Which leads me to my third point...
3. TRAVEL - Now that I'm not tied down to anything really, I so would like to travel. It's something that I've always wanted to do but because of barriers like money, I've just never been able to do it. I've already made a list of places I would like to go and they're not in any particular order but I shall share a few:
a. Korea
b. Brazil
c. France
d. Egypt
e. Japan
f. Italy
g. As well as the States other than PA
4. Spend more time with the family - I think I've only begun to realize and grasp the importance of a close and strongly knit family. I've been stubborn and would push off any family time that came across for me. I come to realize the scary thought that I'm never going to know when everyone's going to "leave" [if you know what I mean] so I have to cherish the time we have with each other now before it's too late.
5) Plan and actually do a road trip with friends - Going along with my passion to travel, I would really love to go on a road trip. I think it'd be exciting no? :)
6) Get a new phone - The one I'm currently looking at is the Blackberry Curve. My ghetto phone has been good to me the past two years, but I think my phone needs to be pimped up and changed too.

There's still a lot more I would very much like to do but I think this is quite a handful for just one year. I shall update more on this list later. :)

"During my stressin', I'm blinded to the lessons that could be a blessin'
If I'd be confessin'
That the enemy I'm trying to beat...
...Is hiding inside me

But it's ok now
What are you worrin' about?
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends, got the sunshine above
Why'm I making this so hard on myself?
When there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy"
Happy - Natasha Bedingfield
thanks buddy :)

OIL '09 - In Christ Alone

So I came back from OIL just a few days ago and as much as it seemed like just another retreat, it was definitely a different experience. I was so blessed to have worshiped such an awesome God with so many other people who also desired the same thing. I must say, I don't know what heaven is really going to be like but I think I got just a little glimpse of it at OIL and I am so looking forward to the day when we can ALL worship Him together.

I think one of the major things I got out of OIL was that putting my identity in Christ means dying to myself and growing in Him. It's kind of funny because this "theme" kept on reoccurring throughout all the retreats I've gone to. God was trying to speak to me. I know it. :)

Overall, it was just a huge blessing. I can't even begin to describe what it was like. Everyone must go and experience it for themselves. I know I'm definitely looking forward to OIL '10.

made '08/college united '09/OIL

This week was [besides finals week] the most tiring week ever. With retreats back to back, I certainly did not have any time to get enough rest. I actually have a retreat coming up this week, this wednesday to be exact. I've gained a lot from both retreats and I blessed to have been surrounded by such wonderful people.

The first retreat was Jubilee's youth group retreat at Sandy Cove in MD. The retreat center was so gorgeous, I felt so spoiled to have gone to such a nice place. The view at the dock was so amazing and beautiful. I couldn't have asked for anything better. I went as a teacher for the retreat and I was a small group leader for the 6th grade girls. They were a handful but they were so cute and bubbly, a bit A.D.D. in my opinion. ^^ However much they went off tangents, they were equally willing to learn and were ready with questions to ask me left and right. Teaching them kind of reminded me about when Jesus talks about children and having the faith and heart like that of children. When we're young, even younger than 6th grade, we become so dependent on our parents for everything. Their the ones we look up to to get us food, help us get dressed, take us to the bathroom, pretty much everything. I think me teaching them was kind of way for God to remind me to have that kind of faith...for Him. To have that dependency on Him when times get rough and even those times when I'm not going through any struggles at all. It's definitely a challenge, trying to live out a life fully dedicated to God but I think as I mature and grow in Him, I'll be able to depend on Him a little bit easier than before because He's brought me this far. I'm very thankful to have been part of that retreat and I'm also very thankful to have worked with the staff that's from Jubilee. They may be a bit crazy and weird at times [like at 3-4 in the morning but that's ok, I'm like that too] but I've come to see their love for Christ and that made me want to yearn for Christ that much more. Truly praise God and thank you guys. :)

The second retreat I went to was College United and that was a joint college fellowship retreat with CityPeace, Grace Point, Yuong-Sang ELM, Pure Joy, and Cornerstone. This was a very different and new experience for me. I've gone to college retreats before but not to one where I'm surrounded by people that I see a lot at home. The past college retreats I've gone to were ones from Renewal and that was when I was at school. It was a blessing to be at this retreat because I've got to spend time with my own church members as well as see other friends I haven't seen in a while. However, it was a bit of a struggle because I just had so much on my mind. It was hard for me to focus and plus, I was very, VERY, tired coming back from a youth group retreat just the day before. I definitely must say though that I learned and gained a lot. The pastors that spoke hit a lot of points home and what they spoke of was a really great reminder for me to live my life out for God and nothing else. I guess if I had to choose, the biggest thing I've come to realize from the retreat was my identity and where it lies. It's kind of funny because at the Jubilee YG retreat, Pastor Paul also spoke on that too and he made a good point in saying that who God is defines who I am and what God does defines what I do. Pastor Robert in his "Identity" seminar stated similar points and I think that helped me to rethink my heart motives and why I decide to do the things I do and what's really the purpose behind everything that I do. I guess this retreat was more of an eye opener for me than anything and I'm glad to have gone.

The next and last retreat I'm going on is OIL. I've heard and have gotten mixed reviews about it and I guess I really won't know what it's really about until I go and experience it for myself. I'm looking forward to it very much and I'm hoping I'll get some very good rest before I go because I am still very tired from the past week.

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God, help me to learn how to forgive.

it's 2009

Happy New Year's to everyone!~ :)