r-e-s-p-e-c-t

I'm just asking for some damn respect.

to you

To you: Amidst all that's going on and as much as it's hard for me to be patient about all this, I'm still very thankful for you. You've taught me a great deal lots and I'm still learning from this. I still get angry and upset and bitter and I think that you're a bit selfish sometimes and you don't really understand me [although you say that you do]. Nonetheless, you're still someone close to me and God placed you in my life for a reason. Whether or not you continue to stay in it is the question as of now and I guess I'll just have to leave that up to God to decide. I'm trusting your word and what you say and I'm hoping that you'll stick with it. I don't want to have to let go of this bond that we've built or am starting to build up. It takes time and effort and I'm doing my best to help it move along and I'm hoping that you're doing the same. Although at times, that doesn't really seem like it either. So even though deep inside, I still feel very, very upset towards you, thank you.

To you: As for you, I trusted in you when I was hurt but it seems to me that I trusted the wrong person at the wrong time. I spilled a lot to you and I thought you would take my side and understand but things don't always turn out the way you'd expect them to, huh. You said you weren't ready but you got into one anyways. You said you were unsure of what's going on but it seems like you know exactly what you're doing. You, I am very upset with but I'm not saying anything right now because I don't think it's an appropriate time to do so. I want to let you know what's been on my mind all this time but what's the point now? It'll just seem like bitterness and hatred. You seem to be opening up a lot more towards me lately. I don't exactly understand but I get the feeling it's because you're now more comfortable where you are, in that position. I'm hoping that you don't feel threatened by me either because that, honestly, would be very stupid of you.

Either way, although a part of me wishes somehow that this will all fail and I'll get to laugh your faces one day, I'm hoping praying the best for the both of you. God's teaching me how to love those who hurt me the most or just hurt me in general and He's teaching me how to forgive and let go. So, whether it works out or not, I'm hoping that you guys are giving this up to God every moment and every second. Make every relationship a God centered relationship. No ifs and buts about it. No compromising either. You guys know the rules and you guys know how God works [sort of]. Hopefully.

I still feel betrayed by the way because I feel like you guys lied to my face. Just throwing it out there.

it's christmas time

Merry Christmas to all. :)

emptiness

I don't know what it is. It's been a while since I've felt this way. Or maybe I've been feeling this way a lot and I just chose to ignore it. As much as I have fun with friends when I go to hang out or even just to talk, I'm still somehow left with a feeling of emptiness. Emptiness mixed with a tinge of fear. Fear of what you might ask? Fear of letting go of something that can actually, quite possibly work out. Fear of letting go of something that was once so dear to me, a close/best friend, for example. Fear of not knowing what's going to happen if I do decide to let go...

I guess this just proves to show just how much more of Jesus I really need because only He can fill up that void and only He's the one able enough to completely satisfy me, without getting me into that dirty mess of regret and shame. Only He can strengthen me to my fullest potential and it is only through Him that I am able to get back on track after I fall down. He's the only one that can calm my fears and reassure me that He has been holding on to me ever since I was born and even before that.

psalm 23 says:
"[1] The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. [2] He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, [3] he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. [4] Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me. [5] You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. [6] Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

My heart yearns for Him and to know Him so much more but there are still things that my stubborn heart is unwilling to let go or is trying to control by itself. Thinking that maybe this time it'll work out this way, or this will surely do it, I only find myself failing that much more each time and it's times like these where I need God the most that sometimes I completely forget about Him. It's time like this where I need Him the most and I push Him away. It's times like this where I need Him the most and I tell Him that He's just a waste of time.

This reminds me of the Matt Redman song "Never Let Go". It goes a little something like this:
[V1] Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

[Pre-Chorus] And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

[C] Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

[V2] And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

[Bridge] Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Lord, you have brought me thus far and as much as I want to give up sometimes, I never want to go back to the way I was before. I'm honestly scared out of my wits about what the future is to bring for me but You remind me not to worry and You constantly remind me of Your everlasting love and covenant with me. Help me to have a heart that is just ready and willing to serve You, through thick and thin. You're the only one that's going to get me through this and all the hardships that are yet to come. Calm my heart and my fears Lord and help me to understand Your ways. You never fail me God and Your word and promises stands true no matter what. Help me to love like You have loved me, help me to forgive as You have forgiven me. God you have worked miracles and even though it may not be as apparent, I know You are working miracles in my life, even as I speak. Help me to just trust in You and follow with a full heart. Help me to give myself up to You everyday, every minute, every moment and just live a life that glorifies Your name. Continue to show me Your grace, mercy and love for me and I pray that I continue to find my strength in You. Philippians 4:13 says that I can do anything through You who gives me strength. Help me to live by those words God. I thank You for all that you have given me and blessed me with Lord and in Your holy and precious name I pray, Amen.

i guess not

No apology? I guess not. What an asshole.

Anyways, I had a very nice weekend hanging out with my Home Group and making cookies for the potluck dinner at Fuji's place. I had so much food there, I thought my stomach was really going to pop. Everything was so good and everyone had such a great time. I couldn't have asked for anything better. :)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Shoes. I. Love. Shoes. SO. Much. Oh yes, and bags. I love bags too.
I am currently writing Christmas cards. I just had a tall Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks. I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight. I really need to start on my resume [I've been saying this for the past week now]. This is all too much. I saw Brett, Aly and Steph at the mall today. That was cooolll. :) It's kind of freaky that we're similar. Somtimes I think it's all just fake and for show. Mira told Brad that I thought he was cute and so no wonder he struck up a conversation with me and just kept on talking [thanks best friend -_-]. I actually think that's kind of funny. HAHA. 웅이 said I should go give him a hollaaa. I said SIKE. However, he is still cute although, he looks kind of...old. Anyways, cards, cards, cards. GAHHHH. I love music. It helps me think a lot and calm myself a lot, although at times, it makes me think just a bit too much and then I get carried away with my thoughts and that ladies and gentlemen, is a NONO. I wonder if Mira's finishing up cleaning. She should be coming home soon or already be on her way home. The iced up trees, grass, flowers, etc. is so cool. I wish a had a camera to take pictures of it. LA-DEE-DA-DEE-DA~

Oh yes, and I forgot to add. I don't read minds. So if you don't want things a certain way, then say so. Don't assume that I automatically know. I told you to tell me as it is. You're really bad at this. You FAIL.

psalm 51:10-12

"[10] Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit in me.
[11] Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
[12] Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."

As of now, these verses have become my source of refuge and strength.
I'm still healing but Lord, keep me from wandering from Your ways.
Just trust and follow, trust and follow.

*nervous laughter*

Maybe if I laugh it out, it'll get better.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Do I feel better? I guess somewhat I do, yes.
LOL. I'm such a freak.

hmm

I so want a camera. So, so, so very badly.
So here's some interesting pictures I came across browsing through blogs and the good old internet. Sorry I don't know who the photographers are but um, kudos to you guys anyways. ^^;;



That is one cool dress. Maybe I'll have my wedding dress trail that long...>_>;;

So whiteee. I love it. Untainted natural beauty. :)




This picture is just plain cute. Kind of reminds me of the mouse from Ratatouille, no?




It came out small and I tried making it bigger but it only got blurrier. :(
Anyways, can I just say, I love Vogue? They have such great photos.
Gisele Bundchen - one of my favorite models. She looks so gorgeous in these shots. Her legs look so long. I'm jealous.



My favorite model of ALL time - Doutzen Kroes. She's up there at Numero UNO with Alessandra Ambrosio.
I just noticed that the Vogue cover I put up is Korean. Cool beans.




On a side note: I was thinking of taking up boxing. I've never done anything like that before. It could turn out to be interesting and besides, I think it'll be fun. :) However, this is all in the context of whether or not I have the money to take boxing lessons. Hopefully, the opportunity will come...hopefully. >_>;;

...yet again

i'm sorry. i seriously can't pretend like it's nothing. i understand your situation but do you understand mine? maybe i'm being selfish but it's either one or the other. makes me want to seriously give up.

i've been sippin' on this haterade and it is just boiling inside me. i need to vent it out someway or another pronto.

reflection

Proverbs 27:19: "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man."

What does my heart say about me? What are my heart motives? What motivates me to do the things I do? Am I truly living my life as a follower of Christ?

I came across this verse during my QT today and it made me reevaluate my heart and where I was truly at in my walk with God. I've been questioning a lot of things about myself recently about where I'm headed in life, what I'm going to be doing and I guess this verse helped put things into perspective. It made me question whether or not I was really in it for heck of just doing my job or if I was really committing myself to doing His work. Actually, I really don't know if what I'm going for is His plans for me. I'm just sort of, sticking to it and seeing what happens.

These past few days have also been a bit rough because of finals and doubts about commitment in relationships. It also hasn't helped with the fact that I have been getting very little sleep, making me moody and snappy all the time. Just today, I felt so empty inside. My heart felt incomplete and I started to feel upset and heavy burdened again. I asked God to fill in that gap for me once again and as much as I did feel comforted, I still felt upset. I don't know what it is with me these days. Maybe it's just because I'm tired and cranky. I just need some prayer.

I'm not exactly sure how this all ties in with how my heart reflects me. Maybe it's showing me that I'm weak and I can't do anything on my own unless I have His strength. Maybe it shows that I still have a lack of faith in not trusting that God will take care of everything. I seriously just need some Jesus time.

ttyn?

So, it's nice to know that some of the friends I decided to invest my time into getting to know and growing closer to don't exactly feel the same way or show that they want to grow closer. I sort of just want to give up. Sometimes I feel stupid for investing my time into a relationship that doesn't seem to be working out quite too well. I tell myself that it could get better and that the friends are just being who they are and I just need to deal with it, but honestly, I feel so discouraged to continue it. Sometimes, I just don't know anymore.

my grown up christmas wish...list :)

People have been starting to ask me what I wanted for Christmas and as always is, I can never seem to find an answer either because I feel bad that they're asking me or I just don't know how to answer the question. So, I decided to post up some of the things that are on my Christmas wish list this year, starting with...:

1. Daisy by Marc Jacobs
2. Flannel PJ by Victoria's Secret Pink
3. Penn State sweater
4. Penn t-shirt
5. Nikon D90 or D300 [I can't choose between the two. Someone help me decide.]
6. Painting tools - not the kind where you paint your walls, but art canvases, paints, brushes - I really miss painting. :(
7. Anything green. I love the color green. It makes me so happy. :)
8. A nice pair of rain boots - I realized I didn't have proper shoes to wear when it rains so then, my other shoes end up getting ruined because of it. My dream rain boots and the ones I would probably end up getting.
9. A pair of nice timbs. I find it sad that a girl who's lived in Philly most of her life has not one pair of timbs. Oh boy.
10. A very nice Burberry bag. Will I ever be able to afford it and get it? Probably not. I'm just hoping that through some miracle, I'll get it one day.
11. Hope in a Jar at Sephora
12. Photoshop

I wasn't able to upload any photos because, well, I was having some technical difficulties. Instead, I linked each of them to a site where there was a picture of the item I wanted. That's pretty much it for now. I don't really know if I'll add anything more on to it. I forgot to mention that some of this stuff, no one is really going to be able to buy for me. I guess I just put it up there as a reminder of what I look forward to buying for myself in the future.

Moving on, I must get to class. I've been editing and reediting and reediting yet again this blog post because I thought of more and more stuff to put up on my list. It's probably going to change around a few times. I am so very, very, very tired. Reminder to self: go to sleep when brain is dead, study when it isn't.

this little light of mine...

This morning was pretty gloomy and so, as I was driving to school, my mind just started wandering off and I started to feel lonely and upset again. I said a quick prayer to myself to get my mind off of things and it seemed to me like out of nowhere, the sun came out and just lit up the whole sky. Since I didn't have any sunglasses or anything to protect my eyes, I pulled down the sunshade and just kept on driving. It was funny though because even after I pulled down the sunshade, the sun still somehow managed to find its way to my eyes. Save this thought.

So a few hours later, since I had some spare time before my next class, I sat down in the library at the top corner where it was quietest to reflect and do some qt. I decided to read a psalm and the one I read was Psalm 18. This one talked about how God is the only refuge and stronghold that will never fail and it also talked about how God strengthens and watches over those that fervently seek after Him. As I was reading, however, I came across a verse that kind of "struck" me. It was verse 28 and it said: "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." Remember this morning? After I read that verse, I just kind sat back and was reminded of the drive to school and how the sun kept getting into my eyes constantly. It was at that moment that I realized this was God's odd way of saying, "Sat, I love you and my light will only continue to shine brighter and brighter for you. This light will never fade and in times where you feel like you're losing hope, this light will come and melt away all the darkness that you have in your heart." I sat back in awe. Even in small, minute things like that, God is willing to reach out to me and say that He loves me. Truly amen to that. Amen also to the fact that He really is the only one that keeps my "lamp burning". No matter how small the flame, He still manages to keep it from going out completely. He's the only reason I keep persisting on with this thing called Life and it is only because of Him that I see how precious this "Life" is because He was the one that gave it to me, He was the one that planned it out for me, and He's going to be the one to guide me through it.

These are some deep thoughts. Maybe I'm just thinking over it a little too much. Either way, I know that He is just and that He is my sure salvation. Only through Him will I get through all my obstacles because He has placed them there for a purpose. He wants only the best for me and I believe that. God, You are so good.

psalm 18:30-32 - "[30]As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. [31]For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? [32]It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

busy, busy, busy

So finals are coming up soon and I am starting to get packed down with studying. Not to mention that winter break is coming up and although it's always a time for fun, merriment, family, friends and all that holiday goodness, as a broke college student, I need a job and I need my money.

It's hard to see that this past year has just flown right by me. In a few weeks, it's going to be 2009...what a scary thought. In 3 months, I'm turning 20...what an even scarier thought. No wonder when I was young, adults would say to me to treasure the moments I have when I'm younger because once you hit that certain age, time is going to fly by much quicker. It's weird because today, as I was praying, I had this weird, anxious, heavy feeling in my heart. I don't know why I suddenly felt this way. Maybe it was because of what's been going on recently with me or maybe it was just because I'm getting older and time is flying by a lot quicker and as much as I'm excited for the future, I'm nervous as to what the future might hold for me. I trust in God and I know that He has everything under control so I know I'm not nervous because I don't know what I'm doing with my life but I think it's more because as I see myself growing, maturing, whatever the case, I see myself drifting away from things I've held on to up to this point. Things from my childhood, things from just recently, things from these past few years. I guess me having this feeling could also be because I'm kind of scared of change. I mean, I guess everyone is somewhat scared of change, whether it's for better or for worse and don't get me wrong, change can be a good thing [in most cases], but I don't know, there's just something about it that I can't seem to pinpoint down.

Upperclassmen have been telling me that these few years in college are only going to fly by faster and to *momentary pause because my thoughts went blank* have fun in college. Am I having fun right now? No because I really hate the campus I'm at. It's not even a campus, it's like high school all over again. Nonetheless, I'm trying to make the most of it by spending time with family and friends that God has provided me with.

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. I guess what I really just need right now is patience and wisdom. I know that God will direct me the way that He wants and I just need to trust and follow. As I was praying earlier, there were two songs that popped in my head and I just wanted to share with you [or whoever is taking the time to read this] what the songs were:
the first song was from Hillsong - Still and the verse that popped into my head was:
"[V2] Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust"

the second song was from Jeremy Camp - Give Me Jesus:
"[V1] In the morning when I rise (3x)
Give me Jesus
[C] Give me Jesus (2x)
You can have all this world
Just give me Jesus
[V2] Oh, when I am alone (3x)
Give me Jesus
[V3] When I come to die (3x)
Give me Jesus"

I guess this was God's way of saying to depend on Him and that if I ask, He will give, if I seek, He will find for me, and if I knock, He will open a door of possibilities and plans that He as prepared just for me. Just trust and follow.

psalm 42:8 - "By day, the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life"