emptiness

I don't know what it is. It's been a while since I've felt this way. Or maybe I've been feeling this way a lot and I just chose to ignore it. As much as I have fun with friends when I go to hang out or even just to talk, I'm still somehow left with a feeling of emptiness. Emptiness mixed with a tinge of fear. Fear of what you might ask? Fear of letting go of something that can actually, quite possibly work out. Fear of letting go of something that was once so dear to me, a close/best friend, for example. Fear of not knowing what's going to happen if I do decide to let go...

I guess this just proves to show just how much more of Jesus I really need because only He can fill up that void and only He's the one able enough to completely satisfy me, without getting me into that dirty mess of regret and shame. Only He can strengthen me to my fullest potential and it is only through Him that I am able to get back on track after I fall down. He's the only one that can calm my fears and reassure me that He has been holding on to me ever since I was born and even before that.

psalm 23 says:
"[1] The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. [2] He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, [3] he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. [4] Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me. [5] You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. [6] Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

My heart yearns for Him and to know Him so much more but there are still things that my stubborn heart is unwilling to let go or is trying to control by itself. Thinking that maybe this time it'll work out this way, or this will surely do it, I only find myself failing that much more each time and it's times like these where I need God the most that sometimes I completely forget about Him. It's time like this where I need Him the most and I push Him away. It's times like this where I need Him the most and I tell Him that He's just a waste of time.

This reminds me of the Matt Redman song "Never Let Go". It goes a little something like this:
[V1] Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

[Pre-Chorus] And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

[C] Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

[V2] And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

[Bridge] Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Lord, you have brought me thus far and as much as I want to give up sometimes, I never want to go back to the way I was before. I'm honestly scared out of my wits about what the future is to bring for me but You remind me not to worry and You constantly remind me of Your everlasting love and covenant with me. Help me to have a heart that is just ready and willing to serve You, through thick and thin. You're the only one that's going to get me through this and all the hardships that are yet to come. Calm my heart and my fears Lord and help me to understand Your ways. You never fail me God and Your word and promises stands true no matter what. Help me to love like You have loved me, help me to forgive as You have forgiven me. God you have worked miracles and even though it may not be as apparent, I know You are working miracles in my life, even as I speak. Help me to just trust in You and follow with a full heart. Help me to give myself up to You everyday, every minute, every moment and just live a life that glorifies Your name. Continue to show me Your grace, mercy and love for me and I pray that I continue to find my strength in You. Philippians 4:13 says that I can do anything through You who gives me strength. Help me to live by those words God. I thank You for all that you have given me and blessed me with Lord and in Your holy and precious name I pray, Amen.